Anxiety · Life

Putting Things into Perspective

So life has a way of giving you a rude wake up call .. doesn’t it?

I’m sitting here pouting over unrealized dreams and focusing on our have nots instead of our haves, when my two closest friends spent their day in the hospital: one in the operating room with a child waiting anxiously outside, and one out of the operating room waiting anxiously for her son to come out.

What a wake up call .. which forces me to stop and thank God for what I have. Because at the end of the day, my family is healthy and well and that’s all that matters.

Please keep my friends and their families in your prayers.

And focus on what really matters.

God bless.

Adulting · Life · poetry

Not Good Enough

You’re twenty one

Young, beautiful, and fun

Ready to take on the world.

With your grad hat in hand

Oh how life is grand

Future so bright, their eyes are burned.

But there’s a small whisper

Ever so faint

“You’re not quite good enough”

Which might be a restraint

Who? Me?

Oh no not me!

No! Never and you will see!

You’re twenty five

You still have that drive

Even though not there yet.

It doesn’t matter that

Dream job rejected you flat

I will persevere, you bet!

Then comes that voice

Making a louder noise

“You’re not quite good enough”

And adds to the voids

Who? Me?

You think so? Me?

No never! Can it be?

You’re thirty

Husband stops being flirty

But thats just how life is.

With a toddler in your bed

And a baby to be fed

Hard to keep a relationship as is.

Here we go again

Seems to be written with a sharpie pen

“You’re not quite good enough”

And it started to seep in just then.

Who? Me?

Yes .. it just might be

But no .. I don’t think .. yeah just maybe

You’re thirty six

And don’t know how to fix

Or how to find your lost self

Feel so lonely

Surrounded by sounds but the one I hear only:

“The sole person to blame is yourself.

See I kept telling you all along

It’s so cute how you thought you were strong

You should’ve listened!

Now deal with the dissapointment

The hurt, the failure, the abandonment

You should’ve listened!

You’re just not good enough!”

Who? Me?

Yes, you are right

That’s me

Now i will turn off the light

That i thought was ever so bright

And just be

The me

Who is just not good enough

And just be…

Adulting · Life · Parenting

Failure

I feel like a total failure…

You see my DD came home today with an assignment to write about a role model from her family. I was honestly secretly wishing it was me. Then I saw the questions she has to fill out: the person’s gifts/talents, the person’s accomplishments…

And I half joked to my husband, I don’t think DD should choose me, what talents or accomplishments do a stay at home mom like me have? He said: maybe how fast you can finish a McDonalds large fries haha..

I get that it’s a joke, and I get that I was asking the question while laughing so he didn’t know the insecurities behind that question, but it honestly got to me.

What did I accomplish in the last 10 years?

How many projects did I try to start and never actually finished?

Wanted to lose weight? Nope didn’t, gave up and made a Nutella sandwich instead.

Joined a gym? Went 3 times only.

I don’t even remember how many business plans I thought of and wrote down but never did anything about or saw anything through.

Started a blog? Don’t remember the last time I posted.

Started a journey to read a 100 books? Couldn’t even reach number 20 and I love reading books!

Today is just one of those days ..

Hopefully tomorrow I can see my 4 kids smiling faces and know what I accomplished

Hopefully, when I see my son’s teacher and when she tells me how polite and nice and helpful he is I know what I accomplished

Hopefully, when I see my oldest daughter, who turned into a beautiful young lady, reading quietly in her reading spot I know what I accomplished

Hopefully, when I see how articulate and smart my two year old daughter is I know what I accomplished

Hopefully, when I see my healthy baby crawling all around and laughing .. I will know what I accomplished

But not tonight .. tonight I will allow myself to mourn all those unfished business .. all the times I said I can when obviously I couldn’t ..

Tonight .. I feel like a complete and utter failure..

Life · Parenting

The Gift of Health

My son was sick for an entire month.

 He had a stubborn fever that would not go away. At the beginning, he had a bit of a cough and runny nose, but after that, he didn’t show any other symptom except for the fever.

 After the second course of antibiotics, the fever came back and his pediatrician said we should do a blood test just to make sure, so we can rule out the “big and bad” diseases.

 After the torture of taking blood from a child and tears from both of us, we went to the Doc’s office to double check everything. Throat, ears are ok .. chest ok .. bodily functions ok .. no rashes .. no inflamed nodes.

“So, Doc, why this fever without any symptoms?”

“Well, the symptoms can be inside and we can’t see them. That’s why we did a blood test so it can tell us if there is anything going on that we can’t see.”

“What are these ‘big and bad’ diseases we want to rule out?”

I regretted asking the question the moment he started to answer. After hearing a couple of big names thrown around, I felt like the room was spinning.

The Doc seeing me like that said: You know his chances of getting these things are just like any other healthy kid walking around so don’t worry.

Nope, didn’t really help. I still felt like I wanted to throw up. I think he felt sorry for me and told me to wait here for a sec he will run down to the lab and grab the first numbers, they will give us a better picture.

After what seemed like an eternity, he came back and said: I have good news. His blood count is in the normal range, white blood cells good, no sign of inflammation or bacterial infection. He’s fine, looks like it’s just a stubborn virus. The rest of the results will take at least 3 – 4 hours to come out. You can go home now and I will let you know the rest of the results later. But till now, all the results I can see are great!

I felt like a huge rock was lifted from my chest and I could finally breathe. At that second, I thought about the moms who were in my place and didn’t get the results they wanted to hear. Those moms who couldn’t breathe a sigh of relief and I prayed for them. I still pray for them every day.

I hugged my son so tight and left the hospital.

 Sometimes we forget the important things in life. We worry about grades and homework, money and bills, work and so on and we forget the one most important blessing God gave us: good health.

So thank you God for giving me three healthy babies. Thank you for giving me the strength to raise them. Thank you God for giving me the chance of watching them grow. And thank you God, a million thank you, for making it just a virus and nothing else. You have blessed me with so much already, and I am forever grateful for you love, kindness, and generosity.

I’ll just end this with a prayer to all mom’s out there. Hope whatever is worrying you is just the never ending laundry baskets and bills, and nothing else.

God bless.